Dr. Maté is a Canadian physician whose conceptualization of human core needs is helping many understand their traumas and illnesses. This article introduces and explores some of his ideas.
Our Need for Attachment
As humans, we are, “the most as we are the most dependent for the longest period of time of any creature in the universe,” Gabor Maté. From birth, we attach to our parental figures for survival. Then, we continue to form survival-based attachments throughout our lives via social groups. As social creatures, we desire to connect — this is one of our needs.
Our Need for Authenticity
We also have a need for authenticity. This is about being in tune with ourselves. It is to know who we are and to be able to express and manifest that in activities and relationships. Likewise, this is evolutionary. Maté notes how an individual in the wild cannot survive without listening to their gut instincts and being in tune with their body.
The Conflict that Arises
But what happens when these two needs cannot coexist? Take a child whose parents enroll them in an activity that they do not love. This could cause conflict. If the child does the activity to make the parents happy, they give up their authenticity. If they reject or protest the activity, the parents may respond with hostility. Many children face such decisions in varying degrees of significance.
From the other point of view, many parents who love their children and are trying their best, will impose this discussed choice onto their children. Maté says this is because they have their own suppressed hurt, stress and trauma. So, parents do this consciously and unconsciously. The young child will always choose attachment because they are too young to branch out. As teenagers, some kids find the independence to choose their authenticity. The “rebellious teenager” is sometimes an individual who feels safe enough to be authentic.
Feeling Lost
As a result of prioritizing attachment over authenticity, many collapse to societal pressures, their parents imprinted dreams and external forces. Maté’s says if you ask middle-aged individuals if they know who they are, many do not know. If you ask, what do you feel? They have no idea. In this view, the breaking point of an inauthentic life sounds like a mid-life crisis.
The Cost of the Second Nature
Gut instincts and intuitions are powerful. Perhaps you can reflect on a time when you chose to ignore a gut feeling and things did not work out. Maté states that when it becomes “too costly for our attachment relationships to be in touch with our gut feelings, we learn to suppress our gut feelings.” He considers this suppression as second nature (not first). This cost comes in the form of addiction, mental health issues and physical illness.
Time for a Reprogram
It can be tricky to reprogram the mindset of a yesman. For many, it was once a means of survival. Others may have realized “too late” that being too nice is hurting them. As one matures, the need for attachment shrinks. Moreover, as adults, it is no longer necessary for survival. If we are not aware of or ignore our true selves, then our bodies will tell them through physical and mental illness — this is the body saying, “no.”
VALLEY leaves you with this. “You are more important than your attachments”, Maté. If you found these concepts interesting, let us know how @VALLEYmag on Twitter or Instagram!
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