College Crisis: I’m a 21-year-old Virgin

Our college years are full of dramatic “I’m not a grown up!” moments- mostly unexpected, and typically unwanted. Anonymous Valley writers discuss it all, from avoiding basic responsibilities to dealing with the big, bad future. Let’s talk about it.

I was one of those girls who made it through high school without ever having a boyfriend or having sex.  I understand that it’s more common to not date in high school, but it still bothered me that all of my friends did. I’d complain a lot and subsequently get told two things:

“You need a mature guy and you’ll meet him in college!”

“Don’t worry, everybody has sex in college!”

Needless to say, neither has come true.

I understand that as a girl of moderate attractiveness levels, I could go home with somebody from the Phyrst if I really wanted to. Honestly, being a virgin doesn’t bother me as much as the fact that I’ve never had a boyfriend does. Call me old-fashioned, but my virginity, and who I let take it, is important to me.

My “first” other experiences were terrible – during my first kiss the boy didn’t understand the word “stop,” and my first oral experience, he used me and tossed me aside. So when I have sex, I want it to be with somebody whom I can trust.

I have come to learn who my real friends are based on what they tell me about my virginity. If the subject comes up, I explain why I haven’t had sex, and I either get people (usually my good friends) telling me that I’m smart to wait until I find a partner whom I can trust.

Other people tell me that “virginity” is a stupid concept and that it really doesn’t matter who I “lose it” to. While I’m sure that’s true for some women (and men), I know how attached I get to people and I can’t even imagine how much I know I’d hate myself if I woke up a non-virgin in an empty bed because some guy left.

Never being in a relationship at this age is a blessing and a curse. I know plenty of girls who don’t know who they are because they hop from guy to guy and change just a little bit more every time. These particular girls typically don’t know what (or who) they want, but I know exactly what I’m looking for, and part of me is excited that I’ll have the perfect guy.

What bothers me the most is when my friends get into conversations about their boyfriends, but it’s not because I’m jealous – it’s because I feel genuinely awkward that I can’t add anything. I can’t even talk about an ex-boyfriend because he doesn’t exist. More than once I’ve left the room and had to try to tell myself that I don’t completely suck as a person for always being single. I don’t always listen.

For everybody who has friends who have never had a boyfriend:

Don’t tell them you understand, because you don’t unless you’ve spent a good 20+ years being single and never having sex. Being on the sidelines isn’t a fun experience and it starts to eat away at self-esteem. Try not to get angry or annoyed with your friends for having bad days. It isn’t easy trying to be optimistic when you feel like your time is running out.

For all of the girls like me:

I don’t know why you’re still single, but I’m sorry you’re upset. I know it can be lonely, but try to remember how much you know about yourself. Like I said before, you know your likes and dislikes. You probably know a lot more about relationships than you think. And remember, everybody has a soulmate. No matter how unbelievable that might sound right now, they’re out there. I promise.

Photo by Orhan Yilmaz