Perhaps reason everyone you meet seems “out of your league” isn’t because they really are, maybe that’s a side effect of imposter syndrome.
Imposter syndrome is defined as “the persistent inability to believe that one’s success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one’s own efforts or skills.”
Oftentimes this is discussed in an educational setting, though it persists in romantic ones too. Imposter syndrome has many faces, though in the most general sense, it’s the experience of fearing, despite no evidence to show, that your partner will eventually discover you aren’t as great as they think you are. These feelings can linger, fester and eventually lead to some self-sabotaging behavior if not addressed and explored.
Where do these feelings come from?
Several psychology studies have found that while men typically attribute their success to their skills and qualifications, women tend to attribute their success to good luck and other external factors. For many women, good relationships feel like lucky circumstances — so the anxiety of waiting for their luck to run out can manifest as imposter syndrome.
How do you identify feelings of imposter syndrome?
In a relationship, impostor syndrome might also cause you to:
- assume your partner has bad intentions
- ignore problems in the relationship
- emotionally “check out” from the relationship
Imposter syndrome can sound like:
- “I don’t want to do this, but if I don’t they’ll realize they don’t like me.”
- “They put up with so much from me.”
- “Why do they even like me?”
Everyone has insecurities, but nobody should feel insecure about their place in a relationship. Feelings of shame, or constantly having to keep up a certain appearance and fear of impending rejection.
Navigating these feelings
Communication is always a great way to clear up relationship problems. Though it’s important to address your concerns, remember not to put the responsibility of fixing these issues on your partner. One of the reasons imposter syndrome impacts relationships so much is because it puts extra pressure on the relationship, which confuses and distresses the partner unburdened by imposter syndrome.
If you often feel insecure and inadequate, your partner may have to provide a lot of reassurance and validation, which can be exhausting and strain the relationship.
VeryWellMind.com
The only person who can make you think you’re worth it is you.
Overcoming them
It’s easier said than done, but self-love is the only way to end your misery. One strategy is to counteract the negative thoughts by replacing them with positive ones. For example, if you think “they deserve someone better” remind yourself of the qualities that make you special.
Another way to combat negative thoughts is to focus on yourself. Putting energy and investing in self-improvement will give your mind some peace. Rather than tearing yourself down, find areas where you can build yourself up.
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