The classic five stages of grief are as follows: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. A breakup tends to follow these stages since the loss of that person resembles a death. They are removed from your life and it can be as if they were never there to begin with. Breakups, in any stage of life, are almost always challenging no matter the circumstances.
Although a college breakup is one of the special situation that can have you losing your mind in a way you only thought possible from finals week. We’re all just 20-something-year-olds attempting to navigate surviving on our own combined with unbalanced hormones that can make for a particularly memorable (for better or worse) breakup experience.
Stage 1: Is Class (Or Anything Else) Really That Important?
This phase would align with the depression stage of the original five stages. The first few days following a breakup will have you forgetting about any responsibilities that require an ounce of not wallowing in your sorrows. The most comforting place you can think of is your bed and even then your room feels tainted from all of the moments you spent together in your college bedroom.
It can be hard or even impossible to complete anything through the tears. It feels as if suppressing the sadness to make it to that lecture isn’t worth it. You’re upset with everyone and everything, including the world for continuing to spin while yours was halted the night your relationship fell apart.
You may ask yourself “How am I supposed to show up and power through?” literally or figuratively. The answer is that this stage doesn’t last forever and soon, even if the sadness is still the heaviest piece of you, you’ll realize that whether you like it or not your life is still continuing.
Stage 2: What The Hell Was That?
Once you start coming out of the “Oh my god I want to jump out my window phase,” the actual processing of the loss will begin. You could now be angry, confused, still sad (which is totally normal) or starting to feel content. The feelings through this stage are personable depending on how the relationship itself actually ended. It could’ve been a mutual decision to split or fully on one party. The specific situation will customize what emotions follow.
One thing is for sure, you won’t fully understand what truly happened yet. The ending of a long-term relationship, whether you mourned it before it actually ended or had no idea it was coming is confusing. You may find yourself spacing out sitting in the library while doing your homework over analyzing what happened, if anything could have happened differently that would’ve changed the outcome. And the truth is, maybe, only if this was a different lifetime and you were two different people.
This may sound harsh but the best thing to remember is that breakups happen for a reason, even if you don’t understand that. Even if you guys get back together eventually, although it’s not good to go through your breakup with this mindset, the space is necessary. It wouldn’t have happened in the first place if there isn’t a new phase of life destined for you following the separation.
Stage 3: Faking It Until You Make It
As cliche as it may seem, one of the best ways to distract yourself from a breakup is to go out, have a good time with your friends and act as if all is right in the world. In college, all being right in the world tends to be dancing in a sweaty frat or hanging out with your friends at your favorite bar on College Ave. You don’t need to temporarily flush away all of your feelings with alcohol, as tempting as it may seem. We both know that is not a healthy coping mechanism.
What is a healthy coping mechanism is putting on your cutest outfit, doing your hair and makeup and hosting the craziest pregame of all time to remind you of the simple joy that is a night out with your friends. Take cute pictures, play party games and fake it ‘til you make it. At the end of the day, this process isn’t linear and it’s okay if you have no motivation to get back into the social scene. Forcing yourself out and attempting to have a good time is better than continuing to bed-rot for any longer than necessary.
Stage 4: Cosplaying as Your Freshman Self
Everyone remembers their feral freshman year behavior. Not coming home until 4 am, saying yes to every plan offered to you and just wanting to soak in every moment before they all become a memory. Once you remember that this life is short and your college experience is even shorter, you will want to revert back to the liveliness you had as a wide eyed 18 year old.
This is arguably the most fun stage of a college breakup because you finally begin to remember that you lived a life before them and will still be living after them. You can embrace the feeling of being free and not having to answer to anyone but yourself.
As lovely as companionship may be, you have the rest of your life to find a partnership. Independence can be as comforting as having love because you can use this time to understand who you are as a person and what you want to get out of the world.
Like that quote from “Love, Actually” goes… “If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.” It’s true. Through your breakup you will see that life is larger than you, just like the way you were so excited to tackle all of the new experiences coming your way when you first moved into your dorm.
Stage 5: Miss Movin’ On
The fifth and final stage is when you’re healed. You don’t think of them every time you pass your favorite restaurant or their favorite sports team wins a game. Those moments that were so painful to look back on are now times you can reflect on without wanting to cry until you can’t breathe. You no longer carry any ill feelings towards them or your relationship. You understand the lessons that came out of this significant experience. You may still miss them at times and wish they were here to see you continue to grow but you know now that part of that growth is due to the hardships that forced evolution.
This is the time when you can breathe a sigh of relief and truly mean it. Your brain is free to absorb everything else around you that you choose to let into your space. This stage may feel a long ways away if you’re in any of the others currently, but VALLEY promises the time will come. Remember who you are, what you have to offer and why you’re here.
If you want to share your experience with the 5 stages of grief of a college breakup, tag us on X @valleymag!
