“Shout out to my ex, you’re really quite the mess!” Don’t worry, you may have heard those famous lines from a popular song produced back in the day by Little Mix. But, believe it or not, our previous lovers and relationships can have a huge impact on our subconscious, ways of living and even our physical and mental state in our day to day lives. An ex can act like a pedestrian, jaywalking through your mind without looking both ways.
Now, magically if you were to get behind the wheel to hit your “ex” with a car (which sounds pretty entertaining to some) while they were crossing the road miscellaneously, it would indefinitely induce some levels of serotonin; That’s whether you decide to let the intrusive thoughts win.
Yet, as we may not even realize it, that one vulnerable second where ties are cut loose between you and your significant other during a breakup can serve as an epiphany for yourself far more than you may think.
The Ex Effect Phenomenon
Now, let’s talk business. The ex effect can erupt a rollercoaster of emotions, thoughts and can formulate new beliefs from one individual to another. People also grieve in different ways, can accept loss by developing unhealthy habits, or can even sense power to better themselves after the bonds in a relationship have been broken. However, during the time your relationship took its course, there may have been feelings of doubt, anxiety or trust issues built up that resulted in a breakup to occur after all.
To us, this certainly is a not so “happy ending,” a turbine of troubling thoughts and feelings can continuously keep turning in your mind until YOU are the one to put a stop to it. Exiting the ex effect cycle sooner than later can create reassurance and self-realization of what you would consider your limitations, boundaries, expectations and provides a huge amount of clarity to help define why you were feeling the way you felt through the duration on your relationship(s).
Put It Into Perspective
“What do you do when your past catches up to you?” you may be pondering to yourself. POV: You arrive at a party looking for a fun, flirty night and the last thing you want to see is the ex who passively-aggressively dumped you two years earlier. As you haven’t laid eyes on him or her in years, eyeing him from across the room may make you think that you will automatically feel hurt, yet this time you were well over it.
So do you ignore him? Aim a little stink eye his way? A cheerful conversation was hard to imagine; Yet you opted for across-the-room eye contact, smile and jaunty waves. It was done, there was no going back from the action you just performed. No animosity, but also nothing to say. He knew where to find me if he wanted to come over, which he didn’t. Pure win-win.
The Unfortunate Science Behind an Ex
Believe it or not, people who have maintained friendship with ex-partners can suggest that they are more likely to be narcissists and psychopaths than those who keep their distance, respectfully.
Justin K. Mogilski and Lisa L.M. Welling of Oakland University’s Department of Psychology conducted research and created a term for individuals who experienced more anxiety from negative thoughts and emotions that accompany a breakup. These types of people are more motivated to maintain a PFR [post-relationship friendship].
“PRFs may mitigate breakup anxiety by assuring that one will not lose the socioemotional support of an ex-partner (examples include reliability/sentimentality) or miss out on romantic involvement (i.e., continued romantic attraction).” But generally, it seems, people let their exes fade into the background of their minds as quickly as possible.
Channel Your Inner Carrie Bradshaw
“Sex and the City” is certainly a show for sore eyes, or for people who may find trouble in finding the beauty in what being single can do for your life. No need to be on the constant hunt for your “Mr. Big” as Carrie or your “Steve” as Miranda, because at the end of the day you can discover a lot more about yourself in the single far more than ever imagined before.
Strut your stuff as you are walking the streets of New York (hypothetically, of course) with your head held up high, shoulders back, wearing your favorite out and a pair of nice shoes. Expressing the beauty of your inner Carrie Bradshaw as an independent, strong and resilient woman can make you inhibit power to make decisions that YOU want for your life, not what your ex told you to do.
All in all, any moment after a break can make you wonder about the very real possibility that you could be single forever, which is a thought at the forefront of Carrie’s mind throughout episodes of Sex in the City.
But rather than wallowing in this quick sand of despair, she fights for more opportunities to celebrate singlehood. Which is why uplifting each other within this toxic dating culture society has embedded into our heads is needed more than ever now.
Back on The Right Foot
Being expressive to a close friend about your troubling thoughts, not putting too much pressure on yourself, embracing your loneliness and not overcomplicating things are tricks we recommend here from VALLEY. Communication is HUGE in any relationship, friendship or therapy session; So why not just get everything off your chest that is consuming your mind in that very moment?
Family and friends never want to see us upset over a boy, especially your parents who ever only want the best for you. From now on, it’s time to start looking at everything with a broader perspective, don’t let temporary pain block your vision and try to look beyond it. Every human goes through distinct life situations, but at times surrendering to those situations is the best way to uncomplicate them.
Go on a walk around your neighborhood, lay out by the pool, take in some fresh air and know that everything happens for a reason. Because at the end of the day, just know you are better off with your own happiness rather than being reliant on someone else’s.
Tweet us @valleymag on X to let us know what you have been doing to combat “The Ex Effect.”
