Have you ever dealt with the suffocating sense of duty that comes with being the firstborn in your family? Maybe you’ve been delegated the task of caring for siblings the moment you could speak a full sentence. Or, maybe you’ve had to deal with the responsibility of being an all-around high achiever as to avoid disappointing others. Perhaps you’ve had to deal with a crushing sense of guilt. If you answered yes to one or more of the above questions, then you may be an eldest daughter and you may be struggling with Eldest Daughter Syndrome.
It seems that the internet comes up with a new ‘syndrome’ every other day but experts have certainly weighed in on this one and it’s very real.
Origins
The concept that birth order determines an individual’s personality and life experiences isn’t new. This theory was first suggested in the early 1900s by Austrian psychotherapist, Alfred Adler. However, the term ‘eldest daughter syndrome’ took off when marriage and family therapist Kati Morton coined the term in a viral TikTok video. In it Morton relates that Eldest Daughter Syndrome (EDS) is a condition that describes the “unique pressures and responsibilities placed onto the oldest daughter in the family.” While EDS is closely linked to Adler’s concept of birth order, this term focuses specifically on the experience of girls and women who are the firstborn in their families. EDS addresses the cultural and social impacts of traditional gender roles within a family.
It’s key to remember that while EDS isn’t actually a mental health diagnosis, it can play an important role in shaping people’s adult experiences.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Kasey Scharnett King explains that as the oldest in a family, kids may end up functioning as a second parent to the younger children. Though this helps instill a sense of independence, discipline and responsibility early on, it can ultimately also have lasting negative impacts.
The oldest child may function more as a caretaker or even a surrogate parent to their sibling, missing out on typical childhood experiences.
Kasey Scharnett King
Signs To Look For
Following Morton’s viral post a staggering number of other people took to social media to share their own experiences being the eldest daughter.
Morton breaks-down the signs to look for:
- You have an intense feeling of responsibility
- You are an overachiever, Type A and very driven
- You worry a lot and probably have anxiety
- You struggle with people-pleasing behaviors
- You have a hard time placing and upholding boundaries
- You resent your siblings and family
- You struggle with feelings of guilt
- You have a difficult time in your adult relationships
How to Cope
Experts at Charlie Health note that EDS doesn’t necessarily imply trauma or long-term psychological harm. Nonetheless, individuals can benefit from support groups have risen since awareness was brought to EDS. Recognizing that you may be struggling with EDS is only the start. Having a network of support that can make you feel heard is just as important.
A great place to start is learning to prioritize yourself, practicing self-love in all its forms (yes, this can mean going easy on your perfectionist tendencies). Acknowledge that you too are human! If you just can’t seem to rid yourself of that strong sense of duty to others (or to achieving the highest score you can on that exam), think what more you could do if you started by focusing on yourself first. When you feel yourself starting to fray, take a step back, take a moment to breathe. Think of all that you have already achieved and give yourself a break (just a little one). It’s okay.
Are you an eldest daughter? Let us know your thoughts by tagging us @VALLEYmag on X!
