Ghosting: “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.”
Whether it was a platonic friendship or an ex, we have all either been the one ghosting or the one being ghosted. Regardless, let’s be honest with one another– it sucks!
But why have we gotten so desensitized from how hurtful ghosting can be and why do we continue to keep it in our back pocket ready to combat any arising conflict by simply cutting out someone from our lives with no explanation? It seems cruel, no? Taking the time to develop a relationship with someone, getting to know them well, and enjoying moments with them just to cut them off at a moment’s notice? It feels like the biggest waste of time, even when you know it wasn’t. But somehow it has all come down to this – ghost or be ghosted.
The Ghost-ers End
So…you got into a fight with a friend or someone you were involved with romantically, and honestly, it was likely your breaking point. You are sick of fighting over iMessage or Snapchat and like any other Gen-Z kid, you aren’t comfortable with in-person confrontation, or confrontation at all, honestly.
So in your head now you have two options:
Option A: think about the impact that person has made in your life and try to think of the ways you can handle the situation at hand in a healthy way.
Option B: think of all the ways that person has done you wrong and focus only on the worse moments of your relationship – inflating them in your head– decide that this is the defining moment in your relationship and this is the end of your “journey” together. Meaning your only option now is to cut them off completely, block their contact and all of their social media accounts, and never have to deal with the uncomfortable explanation of why you are cutting off contact and why this is the end for you.
Whoopie! You did it! You have completely ghosted someone and will cause immeasurable harm to their emotional and mental health, but you have come out on top so, what’s the big deal? Pause. Let’s be real… this is the way that we are dealing with conflict now? Is this the way that healthy adults deal with problems?
The Ghosting Effect
It might be surprising to learn but there are actual studies on what happens to the brain when ghosting occurs. Ghosting “activates a systemic experience of loss that stems from our amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex.”
Meaning ghosting is actually considered a “full brain experience” which leaves us wondering, “What went wrong, without the benefit of an explanation, the opportunity to ask questions, or clarify the sequence of events.” Short term, those who have been ghosted feel overwhelming rejection and confusion leading to feelings of low self-worth and self-esteem.
This type of social rejection activates the same neurological pathways as physical pain and is linked to the same damage that is associated with emotional trauma or abuse.
The Ghost-ed
First off, you are not alone and the confusion and spiral you may be going through right now will pass. The best advice VALLEY can offer is if that person doesn’t value you in their life then they aren’t meant to be in your life. Don’t take it personally — it has more to do with them than you. The worse moments in your relationship don’t cancel out all the good so just keep those moments in your heart and focus on them rather than trying to come up with a good explanation for why that person may have ghosted you– because there is no “good” explanation.
Focus on healing yourself and forgive yourself for any perceived fault that may have fallen on you. We are only human and we deserve second chances. This one “failed” relationship is not defining you or what you feel you deserve. It’s just a crappy situation that happened because one person wasn’t strong or mature enough to have a conversation about the outcome of your relationship with them. Sometimes we have to be okay with not knowing and as hard as it seems, eventually you will be.
Tell us some of your best advice on ghosting @VALLEYmag!
