Why I’m Terrified of Squirrels

I am absolutely, positively and irrationally terrified of squirrels.

And I have Penn State to thank.

It all started when I was a kid. There was a video game I used to play where one of the obstacles of the story mode was completing a mission while a squirrel would jump from a tree straight onto your face and scratch you until oblivion.

While I don’t think this happens in real life, this image stuck with me. I avoided squirrels as much as I could growing up. Those fluffy mini demons had my demise in their eyes, and I avoided them like the plague.

I could do this until I came to Penn State, and everywhere I turned, one of Satan’s minions with big black eyes and a giant tail was blocking my path to Willard.

Why am I so terrified of Penn State squirrels? They make direct eye contact. They’re faster than lightning. And they’re everywhere.

Demise in Their Eyes

Seriously, there was one time I was walking with my roommate to the white loop stop, and there was no one else around. This squirrel, with bloodlust in his gigantic black hole eyes, was just perched on the concrete bench and just staring at us. He wouldn’t move. I moved to the right, to the left, and his eyes just followed me. He was just waiting for a chink in my armor so that he could jump all over my face and expose me to all of the world’s evils and plans for world domination.

I now avoid the white loop stop in front of my apartment, if I can. I recommend to everyone to avoid making direct eye contact with them. Maybe you won’t turn to stone, but a piece of your soul might be stolen. Or both.

Irrational Speed

Has anyone else noticed how FAST these squirrels are? You could blink and one would be in one secure location where you can keep watch, and the next, they’re up in a tree watching over you. It’s hard to defend yourself against things that are physically faster than you (hence why I’m also petrified of bees and most flying insects), and these Penn State squirrels are just not NORMAL. Is there some scientist somewhere that fills the air with a chemical or drug that makes them faster? Are the nuts here made out of the same material or whatever that turned Barry Allen into the Flash? Maybe the squirrel girl is behind this. Results pending.

They’re EVERYWHERE

You can’t calm down. You can’t just appreciate the plants and the fresh air and the beautiful campus. You have to be on alert, just simply making sure you don’t trip over one while you’re sprinting to class. They’re on building steps and bus stops and below benches and in the trees above you and absolutely nowhere is safe. They’re taking over the world and there’s nothing we can do to stop it.

Or, in opposition, maybe you’re not terrified of squirrels at all and think the idea of them being a threat is laughable. I would still advise you to keep one eye on them at all times, or become friends with squirrel girl. She’ll keep you safe.