Why Would a Man Be There?

We’ve all been there: the groupchat has been buzzing all day about tonight plans, you’re all getting ready for the night with a drink in hand and your favorite playlist on. After hours of hair, makeup and outfit planning, everyone is finally ready to pregame, take some pictures and preplan the night’s ‘accidental’ drunk texts… when all of a sudden there’s a presence you didn’t quite expect.

That one friend/roommate/acquaintance/WHOEVER brought their boyfriend. The only man in a sacred space of women. Everyone has this friend, and we know its never just bringing him to the girls’ night at the bars. He’s at movie nights, dinner dates, birthday parties and morning debriefs. He’s everywhere. At some point it feels like you just want to scream and ask yourself why would a man be there?!

A Sacred Space

Not to hate on men, but when the third-wheel boyfriend shows up, it low-key ruins the vibe for the night. Even if everyone there loves your boyfriend and sees him everyday, their just not as comfortable as they would be with just the girls — best friends who know every secret about you and still never judge. The one-of-the-girls’ boyfriend ruins the sanctity of a girls night.

Usually there’s a buzz of feminine and fun energy but now, this energy is off: inside references feel awkward to make, jokes don’t land the same way, everything shifts. There’s also this added anxiety or pressure to include him in conversations and activities even though nobody asked for him to be there in the first place. And of course, even when he’s not there, somehow he gets mentioned all the time. If your friend can’t be with him ,she has to be talking about him 24/7 or fighting with him and needs to vent to the group.

This couple seems to have the ‘we-syndrome’ where they have to do everything together or not at all. Losing a sense of self cannot be good for both people involved in the relationship, as well as both of the friend groups. Although you love to see your friends happy, sometimes it comes at the expense of other people and an awkward tension erupts. For some reason your friend cannot exist on their own and you can’t seem but to question why it’s happening.

Attachment Styles

Each person is different when it comes to attachment types in relationships. When one friend gets into a relationship you barely notice because their priorities and life seems to not change at all. While others take on a whole new personality and set of needs. The ‘thinking about my relationship 24/7″ friend probably has an anxious attachment style. This means that they value connection but also have an intense fear of abandonment and rejection. They fear being away from their partner and it can lead to behaviors like being overly clingy, worrying about their partner cheating on them and needing constant reassurance. Depending on the relationship, your friend might be able to change their attachment style over time.

You can’t help but begin to ask yourself: when your friend always brings her boyfriend around does it mean she’s prioritizing that relationship over your friendship? Has he become a new social crutch for her use to ignore us? It is important to recognize that in your life, you need to prioritize not only romantic relationships, but friendships as well. Although the former may seem more new and exciting, your friends will always have your back, even when that guy might not. Each party deserve the same amount of respect, time and effort.